whalefall

hi, my name is benny. my pronouns are he/him/his, and it/its. i grew up in Yaanga, on Turtle Island, but i'm Greek by lineage, so, i'm Greek, and i'm planning on moving back to those islands as soon as is feasible. right now, i'm just a kind of nomad. i'm also an artist & writer. i do stuff, and make things. making things fucks. speaking of, get a load of this monstrosity

constant fucking damage

godfuckingdammit. i hate this shit. i hate my life, right now, at least. every single plan i've had to attain some semblance of autonomy away from abuse has failed. i am truly an ass-backwards bastard, must be, something must be very wrong with me. i'm pretty sure i should be shot. every interaction i have with almost everyone i know in person feels like i'm eating poison

01 Nov 2024

tomorrow

i want to feel better. be better. i want to be able to trust humanity, other people, myself, again. i want to make something. i want to keep trying, i'm not gonna just give up, but i'm getting worn down. i wish i could get drunk, but i won't, because i need my wits to make it out of this, i can trash myself later as a post-traumatic response, but now, now, i need to just. keep. trying

01 Nov 2024

i'm going to prison

eh, not really. but yes, really. i'm going to rehab, tomorrow, basically, except i'm not an addict, i'm just some autistic ass. they're going to try to 'teach me' how to act like an 'adult.' i don't really know what that means. i have a job, i go to school, i have friends. are they referring to my condition as a punk, as someone who questions why or even how to do things, and that means i'm either stubbornly rebellious or stupid or both? technically, it was my choice, to research the place, because i was just that desperate to get out of my parents' house, but i think it's painfully obvious this was my last resort, as i'm just exchanging one prison for another. the wardens - i mean, staff - are going to take away my phone and computer for the first 48 or so hours that i'm there, and once i get them back, it's only during the daytime & they're taken away again at night, not to mention the fact that i can't leave to go anywhere except for work or school unsupervised. as in, without a chaperone. i'm 23, and i might have issues, but they all stem from the legitimate abuse i've survived that is still being taken not quite seriously enough, and i can't go to the store, a friend's house, anywhere, without being supervised. i can't even go for a walk alone, and that's one of my favorite things to do. good grief, says Charlie Brown. this is not the freedom i wanted, or deserved, not when i remember my parents are narcissists, nah, this just reminds me of the lack of privacy & autonomy at my parents'. good grief. still, it might not be all bad. the reason i'm not fighting it tooth 'n' nail is because i know there will be others like me there, and we outnumber the staff 10 to 2. i might, god, i really don't want to let myself look forward to any part of this because it feels like a self-betrayal, but i might make friends. and that's something i do want. so even if i'm going to prison, maybe the other prisoners will become something i'll not want to forget

02 Nov 2024

in other, slightly more joyful news, the FM-receiver on my new CD player works

:)) i am going to discover so many new stations between this and my vintage radio that receives the godforsaken AM stations

02 Nov 2024

it's now late at night, and i go to rehab tomorrow

and i am thinking about how this is not where i want to be, not at all. does it matter, does it matter to God?, that i would rather be in a shitty little apartment in Athens, Greece, despite the heat, despite the shittiness & littleness of the apartment? i am not where i want to be, where i need to be, where i could live out any semblance of purpose. you should hear the way my mother talks about me, to me, she pays me compliments, like telling me what a great writer i am, and i would be blushing, where it not for the fact that she is saying this reading a letter i wrote to her a year ago asking would she please respect my boundaries and she still hasn't because they're unreasonable but that doesn't make me not a great writer to her. i think this is why i feel like i'm eating poison all the time. does it matter, do i matter, to God?

02 Nov 2024

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buttons

& stamps

servers

the cool kids, of spacehey (and neocities), an intimate little club you can join after following me on spacehey, neocities, or ideally, both

world's end, a server i made to not mince words about climate collapse & climate chaos. however, i also wanted it to be a cozy, almost comforting space, where you can have a moment to breathe amongst good company