a garden
his name is Sam. (i'd use a pseudonym, except that is kind of his pseudonym.) i love him. the first time i told him that, i told him i didn't really know how i loved him. it might be platonic, it might be romantic, it might be both or in-between or somehow neither, but i loved him, and i wanted to be in his life, and i wanted to be his friend.
we've been friends for about nine months, so far. when we met, i was at a very low point in my life. i still am. it's kind of laughable. but each time i want to lie down and give up, i think of him, and i don't. i haven't, so far. he is an artist, a painter. i want to live, in the world, as he colors it.
he reminds me of the sun, because of his curly-wavy, light brown hair, sure, but also his warmth. his compassion, and openness, and his way of letting me feel held even though he lives states away, and it's kind of fucked up, but his warmth manages to reach me all the way over here. i actually tend to not like warmth, mostly, heat or light, in my day-to-day life, because i associate both with stifling, exhausting, too-bright days that make me feel like death. i tend to be more comfortable, mostly, in the dark and the cold. sheltered. but Sam's warmth is different. Sam's warmth makes me feel brave, and still safe, like i have a spot of shade over my head and a cool breeze at my back as i step out to get some sun. Sam's warmth can coax me out of my shelter, because the whole world becomes more like a shelter, and it's suddenly not so horrifying anymore. i don't feel as lonely or as raw. the ironic thing, i guess, is that i know Sam feels lonely, and raw, too, and he is also scared of the world outside, and he feels cold, he thinks he's cold. i know that's not true. after everything that happened before we met, and everything that happened since, i needed someone that i could be exhausted around. Sam is it. Sam likes me as i am, Sam enjoys spending time with me, and i enjoy spending time with him. we watch movies together, when we can. Sam showed me Midnight Cowboy, and older shōjo anime like Revolutionary Girl Utena, Sam likes Oniisama E, too, and i've been trying to get him into Umamusume, which is newer, but it's got that soul. Sam is one of the only people i don't have to argue with politics about, because he agrees on the important things, which is rare, and it's tiring how rare it is, that someone would see value in people, and in honesty & groundedness, but Sam does.
he's still here. i'm not very accustomed to relationships that last, other than the relationship i have with my parents, i guess. i don't know how good i am at things like this, at commitment or what-have-you, but i want to try. i know i said i didn't want to be a try-hard, and i don't mean that. i guess i mean that sometimes i don't know why he likes me -- i mean, loves me, he loves me, too -- but i don't want to run from what i don't understand. i want to hold on until i believe it. one day. and although we haven't met in person, yet, i believe we will. one day. so i'm holding on. it feels like i'm holding onto his hand, and we're walking through some place that's seen war, maybe, the land is tired, but tired isn't dead, things still grow there, and birds still sing, and the sun still shines
